You wouldn't believe how many people have privately messaged me since posting that video just hours ago. All pointing back to the same question...
why stay in a bad marriage?
I cant answer that FOR you. For me, it was because I knew deep down inside that God was God and God permitted his son to suffer, therefore, I was permitted to suffer. But I knew that through suffering, he would produce much more good out of me, than leaving would. And I knew that at the very least, God created me. And he doesn't make mistakes. And I knew that there were two piles.
The first pile had my husband in it. And the alcohol and the anger. And it had pride and stubbornness and selfishness.
The second pile had an image of what I thought marriage should be. And yes, there is an image of that in the bible and PRAISE GOD THAT SOMETIMES TWO PEOPLE GET MARRIED AND DO IT RIGHT. Just sit there for a minute and thank him that sometimes, we do it right.
But there was a third pile. And that was me. And I was full of entitlement and fear and anger and lust and greed. I was too...a big mess. I wasn't yet the wife that God created me to be. And some of my lust and greed and entitlement came in response to feeling so lonely and sad. Yes. But that grew and grew and then I became someone who started to justify my sin.
Now we are back at square 1.
So when you ask, " how do I get through this ??" " I cant possibly take anymore of _____"
My answer is grace.
and the yolk of Jesus.
The number one lie that got me entangled in this mess in the first place was that God was not there.
Here are the following several lies that I also believed:
1. I was missing out on time.
2.I was wasting my time.
3.my life should look like hers over there.
4. I should have what they have.
5. I will find a better man.
6.I deserve better.
7.God would want me to be happy.
And here is my response.
1. Gods time is my time.
2. God doesn't make mistakes, and even when we think we do, or we actually do...he makes miracles out of them.
3. My life should look like Jesus.
4. I should have what God intended for me, freedom that only comes from him and obedience to his word.
5. We all have sinned and fall short. And he could ALWAYS find a better woman.
6. I deserve nothing. In fact, I deserve death, but Jesus paid that debt so I deserve peace, peace that he can only give.
7. God wants me to look like Jesus, which will give me a lasting joy, not just happiness.
When you look at your life and compare it to everyone else's, good or bad, we somehow come up with this standard that we should be achieving. And that got me into a lot of trouble. I would watch movies and think love was what it was on the big screen. I would see other couples and think, why don't we have that? My wandering eyes and my wandering heart made me jealous. Deeply jealous and angry that my lot was crap. That I was destined to suffer. And the more I believed that, the worse it would get.
But the more I stared to figure out who I was in Christ, the more I felt like, hey, we are gonna conquer this thing, because of Jesus.This gospel, it cant be a lie. It has to be real. All the disciples, they all died for this. They were all tortured and put through agony for what? They knew something. They knew the healer, they knew the peace giver, they knew the savior.
And I believed them.
So I gave up the show and started doing everything I did for Jesus only. If my husband was mean or drunk or lazy, I served him. And sometimes, I would fail and yell and get really entitled. I would say God, why is this NOT WORKING. But the more I would love selflessly, and the more I did it for nothing in return, the more peace I got and the more I saw God move. I'm telling you, when you come into agreement with God, miracles happen.
So I cant personally answer you all. I simply cant. Let this be an open letter to anyone struggling out there right where you are. In the military, we call this, "the suck." Because it sucks. But on the other side of it, is a loving, living God who intercedes for you and who knows your deepest desires. Who knows your hearts longings... he sees it all. And he will take the pile you give him and give you back in return much much more.
Radical obedience brings Freedom. Something that I cant explain quite yet into words. We have truly come out of this battle knowing God. Really knowing him. In a way that we trust him, we see him, we feel his presence. We have tasted of his goodness. We have seen his power. TOGETHER.
We are free because we are more like his son.