Wednesday, October 15, 2014
***this is a re post of a blog I wrote last year...it was a big turning point for me and it was on my heart to share again. I hope it finds the one who the holy spirit layed on my heart.
I will never forget this. The only reason this blog exists is so I can remember the goodness of the Lord, and I can share his goodness with you. Its really easy to forget when the storms are above you, when the clouds are rolling in and you feel like surely, nobody sees your pain. I have felt that. I sometimes feel like this world is so big, so full of pain and suffering , that God just passes over me and doesn't care about the small things. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't hear me, how could he? There are millions of people everyday lifting up their needs to him and he says he hears all of us?
We woke up on Saturday thinking we were going fishing but for some reason we got our coffee and huddled up on the couch and I stared to sing " old MacDonald had a farm" to the girls... it reminded us that the Rodeo was here and we had such a great time last year we decided to go. I looked on the website and it said it was dollar days, dollar popcorn and hot dogs and rides... we packed up and left under the assumption that we would get tickets there for the show and be able to get everyone fed there for a few bucks. This was good. But for some reason I ended up packing a full cooler of lunch just in case.
We got there and the rodeo was sold out, both shows. We could pay for just the grounds and walk around and see the animals and some rides, but no show.My husband wanted to get out of the way so he headed out of the line towards the parking lot while I stayed at the ticket office. I could tell he just wanted to leave and come back another day. I was also in the cash only line which meant, well cash only. We only had the 20 we just broke for parking and our our card. I sort of just stood there thinking about what to do while some sweet lady behind me said, Ill pay for you. So I let her. I grabbed my husband and told him we were going in but I just knew I should have listened to him. He wanted to come back when it was dollar days on Monday and the show wasn't sold out. It really is alot of money to pay to go and not see the show. But being the alpha female I am I said lets go...
We went in and walked around and it was fun. But I had this nagging feeling that I should have just listened to him. This story is not about that but I have to say that this is something the Lord is dealing with me on. I am beginning to understand that submission to my husband does not come from a place of a God just barking rules out or saying that I am weaker than my husband or incapable, but it really is for my benefit. He gives my husband certain wisdom and then he gives that to me. That's just the way he wanted it and I have trouble trusting anyone so I like to jump the chain of command and pretend I know best. We sat down to eat our lunch in the beautiful sunshine and I just looked at him and felt this wave of guilt come over me for all the times I have left my husband wandering around with me with his tale tucked between his legs because I am so sure that I am right. It was like a movie playing in my head and I just felt so sorry.
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy,cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church for we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
I couldn't stop praying. I just kept telling God how sorry I was that I was like that. I couldn't stop thinking about how much trouble I have put us in because I refused to listen to the wisdom he gives my husband or even give him the opportunity to lead our family in this way.
I walked the rodeo with my husband and sweet kids. The sunshine was on our face and their was so much joy in their eyes. But I made a personal plea to God, God I am sorry that I didn't listen. I am sorry that I don't always follow your rules, but i want to. I feel so bad for my family right now, we are here but we could have come back and seen the show when it wasn't sold out. If you wanted to, and I know you could, you could just give us tickets. You could just bless my family despite of my mistakes...I'm so sorry. I am not asking you to, I'm just saying you could.
We walked for about an hour and then went to the reptile house. It caught my husbands eye since they were doing fishing and dog stuff near...I thought to myself there are so many people here. Thousands. How could one person just single this family of 4 out and know that we needed tickets. How could it be possible? But I had this feeling that he was going to do it. At moments, I questioned did he hear me? Does he care that I let my family down and need some help redeeming this situation? Because there are people suffering in this world right now and people who really need him...and I just need tickets. Surely he is somewhere else, where really important things are happening...
The reptile house led us out to a walkway that led to the carnival rides. For some reason I stopped to ask this information lady where the pony rides were and how much they cost. She pointed in the direction...we started to walk off. Then she called us back and said are you going to the rodeo? I said no, its sold out...she smiled and waved me over. I lost it. I couldnt breathe. The tears are streaming from my face right now as I type this out...
One person in the thousands of people around us singled us out and gave this family tickets to the show.
I started to cry a very loud ugly cry. Sob. Tears streaming from my face and she grabbed me and hugged me. I said I'm so sorry you probably don't understand why I am crying...its just you are an answer to prayer. You are an answer to my prayer. She smiled again like she knew something I didn't and said have a wonderful time.
I cried the whole way there. We got into the show and the lights were so bright and the music was so loud and my blood was pumping and I felt so alive. But then suddenly everything stopped in my body. It was quiet, I could see everything happening around me. I could see my kids laughing and having a great time, but I could hear nothing. It was as if I was the only person on this earth. Like I was in the presence of God, just me. It was just me and him. I wanted to get on the floor, body sprawled out all over and just thank him. Its like i could not get low enough. Not because of the tickets...but because he heard me. He knew that I needed something and it wasn't too little for him.
The whole day, even when we got home until right now all I can think about is how beautiful he is. I am not alone. We are not alone. We don't walk around here aimlessly trying to fix all of our problems, come up with money for our bills, fill our life's calling. None of it is separate from him. He is everywhere.
He is everything.
Today was a game changer. Today was a day that I will always remember not because of something huge that he did for us. I will forever cherish today because of something small. Tickets. Nobody knew that I was praying for them, nobody knew that I needed them except him. And the thousands of people walking back and forth all around me, they didn't know, but he knew. And he made it happen.
Those tickets will be a forever reminder of his goodness, his faithfulness, his mercy and his grace.