Thursday, October 30, 2014

Dear Brittany...


I was taking a bath this morning and I hear the Lord say to my heart...I hear your prayers. And he put your life before my vision and I sat there for a while in that moment. And there were some things I wanted to say, some things I felt I had to say before I could do anything else. I don't know if you will ever read this so I wanted to make sure it was here, for whoever needs it after you.

I want you to know that I am still praying for you for complete healing in the name of Jesus. I believe that he lives and lives IN US. And I believe that God is still in charge. And I believe that nothing that happens is out of his vision. I wont ever stop praying for the physically and mentally ill even though we see some pass on at an early age, I wont let that blur my vision of who Jesus is. I don't have all the answers as to why some are healed on earth and some are not but my job here is not to even consider that. It is not my place to even question it. It is my job to pray without ceasing to a God who is healer.

I don't know if you know Jesus Christ as your savior, and if you don't, I am praying for a complete restoration back to him, before your time is up on this earth. The truth is, we are all sick. We are all dying. Physically and mentally and this world is full of suffering and pain. And Jesus came so we could be released from that. That we may have life and live it to the fullest. And I wanted to say how wonderful it is for me to see the clips of you with your husband and mom, how much you love them. I am also praying for them as well. For comfort and peace in this very difficult time.

I know what the tests show. I know things are getting worse, but I am called to pray for you for things my eyes can not see. And I wont stop until the day comes for you to meet our Father. I know that you you have postponed the date that you have chosen to end your life and I believe that somewhere deep down inside you feel that its not over yet. And I pray that even in the suffering you feel in the horrific disease that you would feel a completeness and wholeness as I pray over you today, in the sufferings of Jesus Christ who died on the cross to save your soul. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 2nd Corinthians 1:5.

It took me a very long time to come to that place. I used to be very angry with God over sufferings, painful sufferings, emotional and physical. And I realize in a very deep corner of my heart that this is where I met my true God. The God of peace and healing and restoration and life and love.

So today this is my prayer.

Father, we love you.

We look to you for wisdom and peace for Brittany. That you would not allow one single thing for her that you don't want. That we would all realize that we are fearfully and wonderfully made and our lives are not over until you say they are because you see things we don't see, and you know things we don't know.

I pray that Brittany and all those reading this would come to know your son as their Lord and Savior and accept him into their hearts to rule and reign.

And I pray right now in the name of Jesus that physical healing is for Brittany. That my prayers would not be weak, that you would hear me father as you have promised you do, and that you would send your son and the holy spirit to wherever she is right now with healing. Healing in her physical body, healing for her soul and for peace and comfort in this difficult time.

I thank you Father, that we can come to you and you hear us. And I thank you for the blood of Jesus, shed on the cross, for us. And we would all be covered with the revelation and power of that blood today.

I am praying for a miracle today. For healing.

In the mighty name of Jesus,


2 Corinthians 1:5

Romans 8:28-39

Psalm 107:19-21

Psalm 30:2

Revelation 21:4

James 5:16

1 Peter 2:24


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Wednesday, October 15, 2014

the tickets

***this is a re post of a blog I wrote last was a big turning point for me and it was on my heart to share again. I hope it finds the one who the holy spirit layed on my heart.

I will never forget this. The only reason this blog exists is so I can remember the goodness of the Lord, and I can share his goodness with you. Its really easy to forget when the storms are above you, when the clouds are rolling in and you feel like surely, nobody sees your pain. I have felt that. I sometimes feel like this world is so big, so full of pain and suffering , that God just passes over me and doesn't care about the small things. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't hear me, how could he? There are millions of people everyday lifting up their needs to him and he says he hears all of us?

We woke up on Saturday thinking we were going fishing but for some reason we got our coffee and huddled up on the couch and I stared to sing " old MacDonald had a farm" to the girls... it reminded us that the Rodeo was here and we had such a great time last year we decided to go. I looked on the website and it said it was dollar days, dollar popcorn and hot dogs and rides... we packed up and left under the assumption that we would get tickets there for the show and be able to get everyone fed there for a few bucks. This was good. But for some reason I ended up packing a full cooler of lunch just in case.

We got there and the rodeo was sold out, both shows. We could pay for just the grounds and walk around and see the animals and some rides, but no show.My husband wanted to get out of the way so he headed out of the line towards the parking lot while I stayed at the ticket office. I could tell he just wanted to leave and come back another day. I was also in the cash only line which meant, well cash only. We only had the 20 we just broke for parking and our our card. I sort of just stood there thinking about what to do while some sweet lady behind me said, Ill pay for you. So I let her. I grabbed my husband and told him we were going in but I just knew I should have listened to him. He wanted to come back when it was dollar days on Monday and the show wasn't sold out. It really is alot of money to pay to go and not see the show. But being the alpha female I am I said lets go...

We went in and walked around and it was fun. But I had this nagging feeling that I should have just listened to him. This story is not about that but I have to say that this is something the Lord is dealing with me on. I am beginning to understand that submission to my husband does not come from a place of a God just barking rules out or saying that I am weaker than my husband or incapable, but it really is for my benefit. He gives my husband certain wisdom and then he gives that to me. That's just the way he wanted it and I have trouble trusting anyone so I like to jump the chain of command and pretend I know best. We sat down to eat our lunch in the beautiful sunshine and I just looked at him and felt this wave of guilt come over me for all the times I have left my husband wandering around with me with his tale tucked between his legs because I am so sure that I am right. It was like a movie playing in my head and I just felt so sorry.

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy,cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,  and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church for we are members of his body.  For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Ephesians Five

I couldn't stop praying. I just kept telling God how sorry I was that I was like that. I couldn't stop thinking about how much trouble I have put us in because I refused to listen to the wisdom he gives my husband or even give him the opportunity to lead our family in this way.

I walked the rodeo with my husband and sweet kids. The sunshine was on our face and their was so much joy in their eyes. But I made a personal plea to God, God I am sorry that I didn't listen. I am sorry that I don't always follow your rules, but i want to. I feel so bad for my family right now, we are here but we could have come back and seen the show when it wasn't sold out. If you wanted to, and I know you could, you could just give us tickets. You could just bless my family despite of my mistakes...I'm so sorry. I am not asking you to, I'm just saying you could.

We walked for about an hour and then went to the reptile house. It caught my husbands eye since they were doing fishing and dog stuff near...I thought to myself there are so many people here. Thousands. How could one person just single this family of 4 out and know that we needed tickets. How could it be possible? But I had this feeling that he was going to do it. At moments, I questioned did he hear me? Does he care that I let my family down and need some help redeeming this situation? Because there are people suffering in this world right now and people who really need him...and I just need tickets. Surely he is somewhere else, where really important things are happening...

The reptile house led us out to a walkway that led to the carnival rides. For some reason I stopped to ask this information lady where the pony rides were and how much they cost. She pointed in the direction...we started to walk off. Then she called us back and said are you going to the rodeo? I said no, its sold out...she smiled and waved me over. I lost it. I couldnt breathe. The tears are streaming from my face right now as I type this out...

One person in the thousands of people around us singled us out and gave this family tickets to the show.

I started to cry a very loud ugly cry. Sob. Tears streaming from my face and she grabbed me and hugged me. I said I'm so sorry you probably don't understand why I am crying...its just you are an answer to prayer. You are an answer to my prayer. She smiled again like she knew something I didn't and said have a wonderful time.

I cried the whole way there. We got into the show and the lights were so bright and the music was so loud and my blood was pumping and I felt so alive. But then suddenly everything stopped in my body. It was quiet, I could see everything happening around me. I could see my kids laughing and having a great time, but I could hear nothing. It was as if I was the only person on this earth. Like I was in the presence of God, just me. It was just me and him. I wanted to get on the floor, body sprawled out all over and just thank him. Its like i could not get low enough. Not because of the tickets...but because he heard me. He knew that I needed something and it wasn't too little for him.

The whole day, even when we got home until right now all I can think about is how beautiful he is. I am not alone. We are not alone. We don't walk around here aimlessly trying to fix all of our problems, come up with money for our bills, fill our life's calling. None of it is separate from him. He is everywhere.

He is everything.

Today was a game changer. Today was a day that I will always remember not because of something huge that he did for us. I will forever cherish today because of something small. Tickets. Nobody knew that I was praying for them, nobody knew that I needed them except him. And the thousands of people walking back and forth all around me, they didn't know, but he knew. And he made it happen.

Those tickets will be a forever reminder of his goodness, his faithfulness, his mercy and his grace.
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Monday, October 6, 2014

why all the obediance?

You wouldn't believe how many people have privately messaged  me since posting that video just hours ago. All pointing back to the same question...


why stay in a bad marriage?

I cant answer that FOR you. For me, it was because I knew deep down inside that God was God and God permitted his son to suffer, therefore, I was permitted to suffer. But I knew that through suffering, he would produce much more good out of me, than leaving would. And I knew that at the very least, God created me. And he doesn't make mistakes. And I knew that there were two piles.

The first pile had my husband in it. And the alcohol and the anger. And it had pride and stubbornness and selfishness.

The second pile had an image of what I thought marriage should be. And yes, there is an image of that in the bible and PRAISE GOD THAT SOMETIMES TWO PEOPLE GET MARRIED AND DO IT RIGHT. Just sit there for a minute and thank him that sometimes, we do it right.

But there was a third pile. And that was me. And I was full of entitlement and fear and anger and lust and greed. I was too...a big mess. I wasn't yet the wife that God created me to be. And some of my lust and greed and entitlement came in response to feeling so lonely and sad. Yes. But that grew and grew and then I became someone who started to justify my sin.

Now we are back at square 1.

So when you ask, " how do I get through this ??" " I cant possibly take anymore of _____"

My answer is grace.

and the yolk of Jesus.

The number one lie that got me entangled in this mess in the first place was that God was not there.

Here are the following several lies that I also believed:

1. I was missing out on time.

2.I was wasting my time. life should look like hers over there.

4. I should have what they have.

5. I will find a better man.

6.I deserve better.

7.God would want me to be happy.

And here is my response.

1. Gods time is my time.

2. God doesn't make mistakes, and even when we think we do, or we actually do...he makes miracles out of them.

3. My life should look like Jesus.

4. I should have what God intended for me, freedom that only comes from him and obedience to his word.

5. We all have sinned and fall short. And he could ALWAYS find a better woman.

6. I deserve nothing. In fact, I deserve death, but Jesus paid that debt so I deserve peace, peace that he can only give.

7. God wants me to look like Jesus, which will give me a lasting joy, not just happiness.

When you look at your life and compare it to everyone else's, good or bad, we somehow come up with this standard that we should be achieving. And that got me into a lot of trouble. I would watch movies and think love was what it was on  the big screen. I would see other couples and think, why don't we have that? My wandering eyes and my wandering heart made me jealous. Deeply jealous and angry that my lot was crap. That I was destined to suffer. And the more I believed that, the worse it would get.

But the more I stared to figure out who I was in Christ, the more I felt like, hey, we are gonna conquer this thing, because of Jesus.This gospel, it cant be a lie. It has to be real. All the disciples, they all died for this. They were all tortured and put through agony for what? They knew something. They knew the healer, they knew the peace giver, they knew the savior.

And I believed them.

So I gave up the show and started doing everything I did for Jesus only. If my husband was mean or drunk or lazy, I served him. And sometimes, I would fail and yell and get really entitled. I would say God, why is this NOT WORKING. But the more I would love selflessly, and the more I did it for nothing in return, the more peace I got and the more I saw God move. I'm telling you, when you come into agreement with God, miracles happen.

So I cant personally answer you all. I simply cant. Let this be an open letter to anyone struggling out there right where you are. In the military, we call this, "the suck." Because it sucks. But on the other side of it, is a loving, living God who intercedes for you and who knows your deepest desires. Who knows your hearts longings... he sees it all. And he will take the pile you give him and give you back in return much much more.

Radical obedience brings Freedom. Something that I cant explain quite yet into words. We have truly come out of this battle knowing God. Really knowing him. In a way that we trust him, we see him, we feel his presence. We have tasted of his goodness. We have seen his power. TOGETHER.

We are free because we are more like his son.
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God does miracles when we come into agreement with his word.

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