It was a quiet day today, just the four of us. I typically get a little emotional around holidays because when I was a little girl I remember everything being so big. We always were around lots of family and the food and the dresses and everything was just big. But since we are military sometimes I find myself alone with a husband at bootcamp or just the girls and I while he is deployed...or sometimes we are still all together but missing so many family gatherings...I really need to learn to grab ahold of the life God has blessed me with and let go of what I think it should look like. I am just very sensitive and nostalgic.
Also, something else happened today. I was again worrying about money. This is nothing new. I desperately have been asking God for years to help me in this area. And he has. And I can always tell I am close to a breakthrough in my life when things get hard and tense. I was adding things up and tallying and doing that thing I do in my head when I try to figure out money and God just stopped me in my tracks and I just listened to him talk...
"if the way you have been living, worrying, for so many years, if that has NOT been working for you kiddo, why don't you try the opposite. Why don't you try thanking me for what you have when you are worried and say to yourself, my God will provide."
So also, I have sometimes believed the lie that if I am not in abundance, then I am doing something wrong. And God just reminded me today of how I am still here. Still. How he provided when most of our money went to booze and cigarettes and bars and ice cream. Goodness. He is so patient. So if he loved me when I wasn't following him, how much more would a parent want to provide for their child if they were seeking the truth. It they were truly thankful for everything they had.
So I'm going to try something new now and ask God to take away the lies from my heart. Let me see the real truth. That there is nothing that I can do or say to earn his love. I just cant. And that's a lot to be thankful for. Truly that is everything isn't it? Being loved no matter what?
Through the abundance, through the tough times...I am still loved by him.