Tuesday, July 23, 2013
I see hope.
I have literally gone through the five stages of grief in the last 3 days. My eyes are swollen, my heart is soft and hard at the same time, that totally makes sense to me.
And at the risk of sounding too emotional here, I know there are a million people who would gladly trade places with me here on earth... I know that.
I have a chronic skin disease that I have suffered with since I was 15 years old. Its called hidradenitis suppurativa, google it and I promise you will be horrified. Its the leprosy of our time. Anyways, it took until about 2 years ago for me to end up in the ER with an outbreak on my eye for a doc to say hey, let me refer you to a surgeon!
So I had been suffering with this for so long and about 17,000 doctors who I DID see in that amount of time, half of them didn't know what it was and the other half just called it something else and gave me antibiotics.
It has ruled my life. When I have an outbreak, I cant walk. Its so painful and gross and painful and painful. And I spent the last 15 years with sever anxiety, depression, not being able to walk at times, not swimming, not being able to consistently workout, pretty much not doing anything I love to do. Its especially bad when I am pregnant. So the Lord led me to an amazing surgeon and he helped me.
Surgery entailed cutting out 8 inches out of my groin, about the size of the palm of my hand and sewing me back together. That day came in as a close second as the happiest day of my life. I had to pack my own wounds and live with my insides exposed for many weeks but I was healed.
And I have been free of any new outbreaks or scarring or issues...until now.
So in the past few days I have gone around and around with myself, with God and back on to myself. I have been really angry. I have been really confused. I have been really frustrated. And a couple of things have dawned on me here.
Constantly trying to always figure out "the why" is what is killing me. Its killing my spirit. My first reaction when there is trouble is always, "what did I do to get here or how did I cause this". And frankly, today it dawned on me that Satan has been lying to me for all of these years.
I don't know exactly where I am spiritually with this since I thought I had received healing and now its back. I was imagining people with cancer who go into remission, and then get cancer again. I also have had very irrational thoughts about chronic pain and chronic disease such as I would rather lose a limb and be done with the suffering...than have chronic anything. I'm just being real here. Real honest.
And then I thought about a new friend of mine who has lost her daughter this year. I was sitting out in the sunshine with my girls today with swollen eyes, in pain...and wondering if she would look in over here and think to herself, I would do anything to have her pain, if I could have my daughter back.
Also I have learned that this is not my fault. And trying to always find a reason for everything is sort of becoming more gross than the actual disease because it means that I can fix it. Like if I know the why, I can figure out the hows...and holding a mirror up to myself on that issue exposes and whole bunch of trust issues I must have. A whole bunch of issues of thinking Im the one who is in charge of this life and its outcomes.
And then I have God over here trying to pull me in...draw me close and I am still googling and crying and calling my surgeon before I even fall to my knees and ask for wisdom from the almighty.
So throughout my last few days I have gone through all the five stages of grief and now I am sitting here ready to experience what its really like to let go and let God. So cliché I think those words get used and nobody really knows what that means, I don't.
Let Him work it out.
Ask for wisdom.
Sometimes I think God is just waiting for me to stop thinking I can solve my own problems. Just waiting for me to let go of the weight of this and simply ask for healing. I know that sounds strange but I really have never prayed for healing for myself in this area. I have been trapped in bondage. Made to think that he doesn't know whats going on, there are so many more important things going on besides me and God doesn't heal on an instant anymore.
I had a moment today when I felt the lowest I ever felt in life. Partially because I have been given the past 2 years with no pain. No bandages. And this summer I have been swimming. It has been the best summer of my life. I have taken my family to the pool and stayed for 6 hours at a time and hardly stopped moving. I just soaked it up. And I started running and working out again. And I loved it. And I lost over 50 pounds. And I stopped drinking diet soda. And it came back...
I had a close call a few months ago and actually felt the God right next to me one day in my hallway. I stopped and put everything down and said the words out loud " if this is coming back, I will still praise you, because you gave me this time". It was precious time. I got to be normal, whatever that means.
And I am still praising him.
In the past few hours I have been comforted by hope. A hope that washed over me that I cant explain. Nothing has changed except I'm going to bed with wound dressing on and tonight I will pray that God starts the healing process for me, if its his will to do so. And I believe it is. I don't think we are meant to stay in this place. And I am thanking him in advance for teaching me a whole lot about hope and peace.
There is peace in not knowing I think. There is freedom in not trying to analyze everything and come up with reasons which all point to sin and guilt and condemnation...and that's a lie. And I promise you I will suffer for the rest of my life regardless if this goes away or not, if I am constantly trying to figure everything out. If I am always wrestling with what causes bad things to happen.
Things happen that I can not explain, and I need to be okay with that. I need to be okay with knowing that my father in Heaven IS my hope. IS my comfort. Is everything. Can DO anything. Can heal. Can comfort. And WILL do these things not because of anything I do for him, but simply because that's who he is. Comfort, love, peace...hes all things good.
So here I am waiving my white flag around here saying, I get it now, I cant do anything. I already have done everything I can do and you know that. You see everything...you know my heart. You know my suffering...
And God, I believe you can heal me.
I believe that its your will, on earth as it is in Heaven.
I am staying in faith that He will do the impossible. That God will in his time, heal me.