Tuesday, June 4, 2013
the things I dont want to share...but have to.
Its always amazing to me how God doesn't yell. He has this gentle spirit that leads me right to repentance...no yelling, no anger...just sweet love.
And he is so patient.
I had a big moment today where I just had to release. I just had to be honest with myself, and with God, even though he already knows me inside and out.
I cant fool him.
So at the risk of you finding me someday speaking in front of an audience or maybe at a huge art gallery...or maybe in a magazine...all things that could possibly happen, I want you to hear it straight from me. I want you to know that God just doesn't love the good people.
I am a huge failure.
I have not lived the life you think I have.
I have failed my parents.
I have failed my husband.
I have been on drugs.
I smoked cigarettes for 10 years.
I have had an abortion.
I am addicted to food.
I am always a victim.
I have stolen.
I have cheated.
I have been jealous of your success.
I have manipulated many people and many situations in my favor.
And I am scared as hell that God is bringing me out.
I am scared because I don't deserve any of this. I don't at all. But I feel so compelled to share my failures with you so that you can understand the magnitude of Gods love for us, for you... for me. I hesitate to even say that because I still feel so unworthy of any love. That's why it feels so good for me to pour it out onto others, because I don't like it on me. I don't want to be in the spotlight because I feel like my sin with make all the art so ugly, that's all you will see...
Tonight I was reading through a blog and got so mad at myself it brought me to tears. Seeing other people succeed seems so hard for me to handle sometimes because I cant seem to do it myself. Its taken me 5 years to lose 50 pounds and I still look at myself as a big failure. Always giving into food, always giving into sin. I failed at my nutrition counseling business. Turns out I can help everyone else in the world lose weight except myself.
And then God just so patiently, so lovingly whispers to me that I haven't found victory in some areas in my life because I still have some deep rooted sin that mucks it all up. There is just some areas that he wants to dig into and help me out of. Some areas that keep me from all that he has planned. Because I sometimes still get angry when people succeed because really all I have done in life is failed.
Its true that I lived through the very painful divorce of my parents and covered alot of my pain with drugs, alcohol and food...sin. Its true that my husband and I had a very horrible, painful first 5 or so years of being together. Its all true. But where do you go from there when you figure out that its over? That God is wanting to release you from all your pain and just love you?
That's what Jesus came here for.
To take away our sin. To make us clean. To give us new life. And I have a new life now. But I cant forget where I came from. None of this would be happening if it weren't for him.
To God be the glory for it all.
I am starting to feel the food addiction go away. I am starting to feel strong. I am starting to feel very capable of forgiving those who have hurt me. I am just starting to feel the weight of all of it come off and I am scared. I am scared because I don't know how to handle the success...the love.
I made some choices a few years ago. To get rid of some things, and to do it Gods way. I had enough of doing it my way. There was a specific moment that I will never forget that changed me. I was complaining to a new friend about my marriage and she just looked at me and said " who do YOU think YOU are?" And I just lost it, in such a beautiful way. I believe that my desire to heal my marriage and my life started then. I surrendered. I did things Gods way and he has completely changed my life.
And then I see someone farther ahead in the journey and I feel like a failure again. But its one moment at a time, he reminds me. Its one pound at a time because we want to get rid of the ugly on the inside too kiddo...he says. We want it to stick. We want it to work this time. And then I look at how far I have come and just cry. Its been so far...hes done so much work on me.
I know how to be a wife now. I know how to forgive and love my parents. I know how to feed myself. I know how to be a friend. I know how to properly run a business. I know how to handle our money. He changed all of it...all of me.
I cry each and every time I sell a piece of art. You have no idea. I cry every time you email me and say I am an encouragement to you. You have no idea how grateful i feel to even be alive.
i don't deserve any of this.
But that's where my new life begins. Here I am. I have pretty much been given a new marriage, a fresh start in that. I have been given a business to run and be a good steward of...I have been released from alot of strongholds in my life.
I have been made new.
And his love is just too much for me sometimes...
So if your sitting here reading this, your never too far gone. Its never too bad for God. Your never too much of a sinner to have Jesus come into your heart and give you a new life. I didn't believe it until it started happening to me...I thought I was just going to be that way forever.
You are loved so much. And there is a plan. If there was one for me, there is one for you.