I cant breathe...
I cant speak.
My heart is so full of love and living blood and I am wringing my hands, lifting them up, opening them up, falling on my knees, crying tears of joy, crying tears of pain for those who don't know him like this...
I just cant breathe.
I never ever want to forget this moment. I never want to forget this week, or this month. All i know is, people talk about this secret place...the place where Jesus sits and waits for you with his arms open, his heart open..
Its this narrow road. That narrow path that leads to such fullness. Its the moment I knew I just couldn't go one more day without him right next to me, in me. I just couldn't worry anymore. I wasn't strong enough to handle things. I couldn't handle myself anymore.
He just waits. He captures you, then he holds you and welcomes you into the kingdom. I cant describe the feeling other than just freedom.
Freedom to love people who hurt me, freedom to not live my life in fear, freedom to say no when Satan temps me, freedom from my temptations,freedom to live in the spirit and not in my flesh...freedom to pray for people and not feel weird...freedom to lift up my hands in church and not feel weird, freedom to let go of money...freedom to put my own self on a cross and see it through his eyes.
I just cant believe that he loves me this much.
And he says to me, you cant stop it. You cant make my love go away. And he tells me that no one can take it away either. And because I have seen this love, I have felt it and I know it now, I can be free to give it away at no cost.
He loves me more than I love food, and I love him more too.
He loves me more than my worst, ugly day.
He loves me no more or no less than yesterday, or tomorrow.
And then he reminds me of the rainbow that he has been showing me for 30 years...that rainbow that was a promise to me that whatever I would walk through, he would be there. And he was faithful.
I wouldn't be here if it weren't for him. I wouldn't have made it through all the things if he wasn't rested on me, walking me through my failures, my shortcomings, my sin.
And then he shows me myself. The way I hurt myself by not trusting him. The way I still say yes to Satan when he says one more wont hurt me.
Its killing me, sin. Its what has separated me from Him for so many years and he has drawn me in so softly, drawn me into such a sweet obedience that I almost cant explain it. Its too big. Its as if now i can see myself through his eyes...and I can see how his heart breaks every time I chose anything over him. And then his grace meets me where I just cant even bare it anymore. The grace that was always available to me, but didn't take. And then I finally have felt his love and don't want one minute separated from him.
You know the saying "nothing tastes as good as thin feels?"
nothing tastes as good as Gods presence.
I just cant handle his love sometimes, its so much and i don't know what to do in this place except pour out into you what is coming out of me. I want to run out of my house screaming to my neighbors...he loves you! HE LOVES YOU!
Hes so forgiving.
Hes so patient.
Hes so restoring.
He so gentle.
Hes so kind.
He is so faithful.
Be thou exalted.