Monday, May 6, 2013

a testimony

I have this desire to be so close to God...I want to walk with him so close that we can trust each other to do big things. I want him to know that he can trust me. I don't know where this has come from but you know, things are changing.

And I realize that there are some areas in my life where I still need to learn to trust God. I still have this weird lingering feeling where I feel like all of this is based on my performance. That God blesses me according to how well I "handle" things...that his love is dependent on me. And Satan likes to keep me believing that lie...

This past week, I had a friend over and we got to talking about money. I told her that I had been walking around Costco one day and Grace and I really fell in love with this blender. Its sort of like the Vitamix. And I asked her, "do you think its okay to ask God to provide for things like that?" Do you think he hears me and do you think he even cares? I mean there is so much poverty. There is so much it okay to ask for something for myself?


I also had a pull on my heart to get Lucy into MDO two days a week this summer for the summer program so I could ease her into it while Grace is still there. I don't have the funds in our budget so I just asked God, well I told him, she can only go if you make it so.

I just walked around my living room tallying all the things. And i just said, God, if you agree, you will make it happen.

Then yesterday in church i opened my hands, lifted them high and then opened them up. This song was playing, its one of my favorites... And i found myself in a place where again I was just asking God to show me his love. Just show how wide and how deep. I said let me know you are pleased with me...Let me know I make you smile.

I make so many mistakes and i still don't get it right but I am desperate for your unfailing love, a love I have never known before.Its all so new to me, living for and serving a God who just loves me, the mess and all. I just wanted to know I was on the right path.

Well, I wont tell you the number, its really big. But he went and met that number and then doubled it exactly to the dollar in 2 days.

Exactly to the dollar.

As if to say, are on the right path, I love you, and there is nothing you could do to make that love go away. And I don't expect you to get it all right all at once. I just love you, simply because you love me! And i know your heart, I know you desire to be obedient to me and your not always going to be, and that's okay. That's why I sent my son. Now relax and just rest in my never ending love for you...and if you have needs, if you have desires and they are in line with my word, I will provide. I will blow you away with the ability I have to provide. I want to bless you. Your blessing me! Now go paint!

And he just literally blew me away.

And its not about the money. Its about knowing that hes my provider. That he is the one who opens these doors for me. Hes the one who allows me to live this life. Just as I live for a God who can take away, I live for a God who can give. And none of this is based on my performance. I'm never going to be worthy of his blessings.

Thank you God for just loving me, right here, right now, just the way I am. And I am so grateful for this moment right now where I feel like I want to go so much deeper than this. That my trust and faith is growing so big...just thank you.

So now the change that has begun in me is that I am no longer finding the blessing in the financial provision or in my health or in the things of the world...but I have found it in the hope I have that God hears me, loves me and is walking right along side of me. He wont leave me alone here.

His worth to me, is priceless.
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