Im not sure if I should be processing any of this outloud...
but this is real life.
Today was quite the day. Woke up not feeling good at all...and my hands are cold. Whenever I pile too much onto myself I get really cold. And that's weird because i am always hot.
I just don't really know how to balance the business end of this. The expectations I pile on myself and the bar I set is so clearly unreasonable and unfair.
I give myself no grace.
Im not exactly sure when this started for me but I am my worst critic and the hardest on my own self.
I am constantly expecting myself to do things that I don't know how to do and when I fail, no grace.
God sends people into my life to verbally speak out loud for him when he knows I have gone too far...
"Melissa, you could come back in here all day and fill out the forms again and again and you could do it their way or my way or your way and whats done is already done...let it go, pray to the international customs gods and let it go, you will be fine". said the UPS man.
*side note, It took everything in me to not ask him if he really believed in international shipping Gods, really it did.
My problem is that I am the kinda gal who NEEDS TO KNOW EVERYTHING. I need to know how to do my taxes, how to ship, how to package a box, how to make a certificate of authenticity, how to start a website, how to sell art. I need to know it all before I begin or I am already a failure. I give myself no room to learn and grow, learn and grow, learn and grow.
Another thing, I hate charging people for my art. I have no idea if its because I don't see its worth, I don't see my worth, I think you think I'm crazy for even doing this...or maybe its because I cant even afford my own art and I just feel so grateful that people enjoy my heart in this that they spend their hard earned money on it.
You know, times are really tough. And I realize that this is not a necessity. I pretty much fall to my knees when you order something because man, I'm grateful.
I have literally started this whole thing with God and google. And I don't know why I wont just grab his hand and let him lead. I don't know why at 30 years old I still feel like I don't fit in with the crowd. Like I cant handle it in the business. Like I don't belong.
This is everything I have ever wanted.
To live a creative passionate life, while I am still able to be the mom I want to be and need to be for my babies, and the wife I want to be for my husband.
This is the ugly side of my soul that you don't see. The little girl standing in the corner who just watches everyone else do life...and I just know that if I don't start to see my value in Gods eyes, this whole thing will not work. I wont keep putting myself out there, I wont take chances...I wont realize his magestic, wild plan for this girl. I just wont.
I just did a spell check on this post and I literally counted over ten "donts".
My prayer for myself is that I see myself as God sees me. Able to make mistakes and grow and live in grace. My prayer is that he keeps stretching me farther out from where I am comfortable so that I can realize my own need for him, and how quickly he is to rescue me when I need rescue.
I hope that through all of this, there is somebody out there who knows they arent alone. I am just as scared as you are. I am just as hard on myself as you are and I need him just as much as you do.
One year ago I was just sitting here with a whole lot of passion and desire and I wasnt doing anything about it.
Today I shipped my first painting to Canada.
(lets pray the customs agents have mercy on me)