Friday, February 8, 2013

how He speaks to me...

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.
Micah 6:8
If I was writing this to you 6 months ago, boy these words would have quite a different tune...and they did. I wrote a post that I am now hiding from you because it makes me so sad to see myself come from such a place of discouragement, the truth is I was the cause of all of it. If you have been following me for a while you might have read it, it was called " for when you are discouraged". From then until now, God has revealed much about himself, his character, his wisdom. So what has changed?
I just got tired of doing things on my own. Its that simple.
I was so tired of my world spinning in circles I just decided in my heart one day, God, I don't want to do anything you don't want me to do or say anything you don't want me to say or be anything you don't want me to be. When I first started along the path of creating a business, I had no idea what I was doing. And most days, things are still brand new to me. Currently I am trying to figure out how to do my taxes and how to ship really large paintings. I still have no clue, but I know the one who does and I believe that he will give me wisdom.
God has forced me to stop and wait, and usually I hate that. I am a horrible decision maker because I feel the need to act quickly. I feel like everything needs to happen NOW and for something to be successful, big things need to happen in a big way, right now. But if I have been doing that all my life and nothing has really worked out, it was time to drastically change the way I made choices. And what that looks like for me is waiting. And my God, it has just changed me. 
I have learned that God speaks to us in many ways. But I have always struggled with my spiritual self and not being able to discern what is from God or not. The reason I think I struggle with that so much is because I am a "feeler". I feel so deeply all the time that I just got used to making choices based on those feelings...and I have gotten myself into some messes, frustrating and ugly and damaging messes. So I have been careful this time around, the past few months to just stop and ask God to speak. Tell me what to me, lead me and prevent me from making wrong choices.
And he has made me wait.
And wait...
Its taken me about 30 days to make another canvas order and I have hated every single day of waiting. But I just know that I want so bad to be saved from myself that I waited until I knew for sure the direction in which he wanted me to go. And yesterday he spoke and now I know how God speaks to us.
Through his word and through peace.
 Its a peaceful feeling in the hard things. Its feeling like I am doing the right thing. Its a feeling that my choice is right according to his word. Its a feeling like my boundaries and chains and walls are torn down and I am walking around in a new freedom, a feeling of power and security that what he is asking me to do is so big that I  could never do it on my own but yet I feel safe knowing that he is walking every single step of the way with me. I have made choices before that weren't from him and I was left with a wringing feeling in my stomach and anxiety and fear. And that's how I know from the past, what it feels like to walk a distance ahead of him or behind him. 
He has allowed me to walk far away from him so that I would know the peace I could have if I walk close.
I have had to make some choices lately concerning the art, where its going...who I am doing it for. And yesterday something happened to someone I know and my heart was broken all day long. And I couldn't escape the things that God was laying on my heavy, heavy heart. Yesterday I made a choice that this art is not for me. I am not trying to be a famous artist. I'm not trying to be a millionaire. I am not trying to compete with big people. I am not trying to build a brand.
My brand is Jesus Christ.
So then what is it that I am trying to do? I want people to be able to afford my art. I want to help our family get out of debt. I want people to be blessed by it. I want to raise money for people who suffer. I want God to show us how to be good stewards with his money...I want to inspire people to rise up and realize that there is a special call on each life, your life.That you were meant for something great, that what you are going through right now is for your good. 
I want to act justly, love mercy and walk so humbly with God. I want it.
I am running, not walking... after that.

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