I am tired today. I woke up not feeling well so my Lucy and I took the day off. We watched the Pope step down, we ate some lunch and I reheated my coffee about 4 times. I was figuring out how much we all raised for Help One Now and preparing to write this blog post. I wanted to talk about how much these kids are on my heart, always on my mind. I am constantly thinking about them. I wanted to talk about how God has changed me through this, and its just beginning...
One way he has changed me though that I feel slaps me in the face everyday is my eating. I cant believe the changes I have made, not because I made any big pacts or started any programs. Its simply because God is becoming bigger, and I am becoming smaller. There is just less of me. Less of my desire to fill my own self up with things, with food... I think of these kids. The kids all over the world who walk 12 miles for dirty water or eat every 3 days...I simply just cant justify my bad habits. I feel no guilt. I feel no shame.
I just feel changed.
We all have our things. Shopping, food, anger, pride...whatever it is, God is ready to take it away. But it really took me seeing the needs in the world around me to really grasp where our money was going, what my day to day life looked like. I really had to hold a cold hard mirror to who I was living this life for. I had to look at what my legacy would be, what I would pass on to my own kids.
I came home from picking up Grace at school and I just sat down and opened the mail. I knew it was from Life Outreach, and sometimes I pretend like nobody is asking something of me. I pretend like I didn't open it, like it doesn't exist. But I cant turn away.
And as I sit and watch my kids run around and drink their water out of sippy cups, I cant help but ask myself, what in the world could I do to be less of me so I can be more for them? I see Jesus himself delivering the mail to me...personally calling me out to do what I can do.
It has been impossible for many months now even before I started to do this, impossible for me to get people who suffer in poverty off my mind. Not a day goes by. I feel like a Queen living here in this house, typing on this computer, shopping for food. Its all overwhelming to me. And suddenly my guilt and shame that I felt in the past has moved over and was replaced by action. I don't feel guilty anymore for buying good food because it helps me be strong to work for these kids. I don't feel ashamed of my abundance anymore because I am blessed to be a blessing.
113 is what I was able to do. I bought more supplies, paid my bills, paid off a credit card and gave back to my God who made it all happen.
Its a new month now, his mercy is new for me each and every day.
Thank you God for changing me.