A while ago, I wrote about a revelation I had about motherhood. I cringe at my own tortured voice. Truth be told, I really don't write as the holy spirit prompts because I hate my own voice. I hate the torture and guilt and worthlessness in my own voice. But in my own struggle with measuring up in this world, I have found beauty in that voice. The one I hate to revisit.
Let it be a testimony to the goodness and faithfullness of God.
Lately God has been speaking to me, showing me about my own style of mothering. My husband and I decided before we ever knew we wanted children that I would stay at home with them. I just knew in my own heart that I wanted their childhood to look nothing like mine. And the part that has been torturing me so, is the part where I feel my time is more quantity than valuable. Sometimes I just feel like I am here, but what am I doing? Am I making the most of every moment? Am I doing what I am supposed to do? Am I ?? Am I? Am I????
Oh goodness, I think that inner voice just kills. It just destroys my day. Comparing myself to you and your day, comparing my strengths to you and yours...its all life killing stealing and I succumb to it all to often.
I don't always enjoy playing with my girls. I will say it. And I have said it before. Its not that I dont enjoy them, its that I feel like there is something else to be done. I sometimes I am selfish, I would rather be sipping a cup of coffee, turning up the worship music and painting. Or sometimes I would rather be writing. Or sometimes I would rather be cleaning my house. But I have been taking the time to, on purpose, just spend a whole chunk of my day doing whatever they want. Lately, we have been making lunch and enjoying it on the driveway and picking acorns and playing with chalk. And in these precious moments God just whispers a smile and an "its okay". And somedays we leave the house to go to the park for hours and I dont check the phone or go over the mental "list". And I have found so much freedom in that. He just keeps telling me, its ok!
I guess somewhere there is a fear that I am missing out on something or something should be going on or I should be doing something, but he just reminds me, that hes working for me. Behind the scenes. Behind those moments. The moments when I chose to just enjoy my girls and its all okay...because he says so. There is value in being right where he puts me. Whether that looks like a day full of checks off the list or just being with my girls doing what they want to do.
I have found peace in mothering because he has given it to me. Handed it to me, in a beautiful package that looks nothing like yours. My day, looks nothing like yours. But I am here. I don't always put their desires first but I am here. Sometimes I get an order and I have to start and finish it very quick, but I have learned to let my girls be a part of our business here at home. And they love it. If I need to paint, they paint. And that makes me happy and them happy. If we are running late because I am calming her down from a nightmare, I am praising God that he lets me do that. He allows me to be here. And he knows my heart, that I couldnt possibly handle it if I werent here. I dont want to be anywhere else. The other day, Grace had an incident at school where she got sick and had to come home. I was pretty much in tears the whole way there just thanking God that he has allowed me to stay home with them and be there for these moments. The moments when I can drop everything and just be there, for them. This is why we sacrifice. This is why I make the choice. I want to be here. I want to be available.
So I am still working on letting myself enjoy this. I still am a task kinda gal, the one who likes to get things done and fill my day with chores and to dos...but I am working on just letting go a little and spending moments with them that I wont ever get back. And I realize that now. And if in the past, I have spoken about how I don't really connect with Grace, or if I am trying to defend why I stay at home with my children, or if I am lying to myself about what the priorities are in life and how they don't look like yours...its all just my tortured voice. The part of me who never feels like I am good enough or doing the right thing...its all because I never saw the value in what God has me going through right now. The value of just taking a moment in my day to stop doing and just be. Just sit with him and be joyful. Just pick the acorns. Because its ok.