So this blog post is being prompted by something that happened earlier tonight. I don't even know who I am writing this for, maybe its just for me. So I can hear it again and again...and again.
I feel like my serious, deep in thought nature is misleading to people and I am finding myself apologizing for who I am sometimes. I am in constant battle within my own soul to be who people want me to be. The fact is, I am a girl who has been through alot. And when I encounter someone who I feel I am being led to, I don't hold back. I don't ever hold back in conversation because I am not ashamed. I am not ashamed of who I was or the mistakes I have made and if you were to just meet me on the street I would tell you the same things that I would tell my own husband. If we were to meet at a coffee house and you looked like you had alot on your heart, I would most definitely be the girl to come up to you and ask if you were okay. And if you said no, I would cancel my plans and sit and talk with you for hours. And if you had just gotten into a fight with your husband I would probably tell you all about my marriage and how God has restored it. And I wouldn't leave out any details...
I feel like because I have this deep desire to reach out to people who are hurting and share some Jesus, people think I might be too much. And sometimes I am. I realized tonight that it is hard for me to be in a group of people I am just starting to get to know, and not talk about deep things. Its just hard for me to engage in simple conversation. I am just truly overwhelmed and grateful when I think about where I am today and where I could have been if I didn't know God. And I just so desperately want to scream at the top of my lungs for him, to glorify him, praise him.
And I realize most people aren't like me. Most people are able to just sit and chat about shopping or recipes...believe me I wish I was more like that. Sometimes that's why I struggle to write in this space because I feel like if I'm not giving something away or I'm not posting a recipe, people wont connect to me. But the fact is, my constant state of revelation and seriousness in my personal life and here on the internet is just because I am someone who wants to connect. I want to grow. I want to learn. I want to hear what women before me have been through and I want to help the women who are after me grow. I want to share the good news. I want to scream it out loud to anyone who is stuck, addicted, living in shame, feeling guilty, depressed, anxious and all the other stuff that prevents us from the life intended.
Maybe this is why I am so attracted to art and music. It is probably just a release for me when I have too much going on inside. When my brain is working overtime and my heart is just too full. If we just met and you told me about the heaviness of your heart, I would cry with you. And then i would go home and cry again. Its just who I am.
I apologized to my husband tonight for sharing so much of my life with people, because I feel like it embarrasses him. I feel like people judge him based on the things I say or what I choose to share...he doesn't always get it either. We were at his softball game the other night and I just felt led to share some details of some stuff in my life with a woman I had never met...it turns out her daughter is going through something similar to what I went through and it felt so good to just give a glimpse of hope to her. It felt so good to just say, i have been there. It felt so good to just reach out and let her know that she wasn't alone. I feel like its pretty much what I live for nowadays. The moments when i get to share Jesus.
Maybe I do this too much. I don't know.
So if your reading this and you have been in conversation with me and wondered why I am share so much and why I don't stop checking up on you or stop telling you I am praying for you...its because I really do care. I care so much that I am willing to risk what you think of me for the eternal. I would rather have you think I'm weird and too much, than have you meet me and get nothing. I don't have all the answers but my heart is always open for you. I am always going to be this way. I cant change my heart. I cant change the amount of compassion and empathy I have for people. I cant change my desire to share my story with people and how I have received so much healing and restoration. I cant stop shedding tears for you.
But just because I am on the deep side, or I am emotional or I am in constant thought and revelation, doesn't mean I'm not full of joy. In fact, it is my expression of joy. My heart is always smiling, even through pain because I know him. Because I am so grateful for him and I am in constant awe of everything.
I am who I am, and I don't want to be any other way.