Thursday, July 19, 2012

The stage





When I close my eyes and think about what makes me the most happy in this world,
It think about singing.

Ever since I was about oh..in middle school, I have wanted to be a singer.
I wanted to move to New York and sing in a piano bar.
I sing in my car, I sing while I paint, I sing in my soul...
My most complete, full , happy and content moments are while I am listening to music.

the dim lights...

the watchful eyes...

the judging minds...

the sweaty palms...

my beating heart...

the tense muscles...

I am so uncomfortable on the stage.

The literal and figurative one.

I don't know why I would have such a pull, such a deep passion for music and singing and have the least amount of courage in this world. I still don't know why I haven't done anything with my voice.
I would give pretty much anything, besides my family, to be a singer.
But I just cant get on stage.
In fact, I cant even sing for people who ask me to. Just normal people.
I have had so many people tell me to just do it.
Just audition somewhere.
Find a band.
I did once, when I was a teenager and I had a few beers in my car before I could even meet them.
I didn't sing for them.
I don't know how to read music, I don't play an instrument.
I just love to sing.

I have been thinking alot about that and my art lately.
About how I cringe every time I put a painting up online.
I don't know how to accept compliments.
I still think my work is worth nothing.
I tried starting my own business doing in home nutrition consulting but that failed
because I couldn't charge anybody.
And the first time someone bought a piece of my art...
I couldn't believe it.
And to this day,
I still am in shock when someone asks me to paint them something.
I always ask my clients how they heard about me
just to make sure a family member or friend didn't put them up to it.
I don't know why its taken me this long to take a step out from underneath all of
this.
I keep measuring my worth based on what the world thinks is beautiful.
I compare my art with others art.
I am so afraid of being in the spotlight.
I get nervous every time I write a blog post.
I sometimes leave and come back and reword something
or add something
or take something away.
I am a zero on the confidence level.
I am constantly evaluating,
should I have said that?
Does that sound weird?
Does that look bad?

I cant public speak.
I get so nervous my i actually feel my body shutting down.
I shake so bad.
I am really at a point in my life when i am questioning the real reason to this.
Why is it so easy for some people to sing or talk or write?
What am I really afraid of?
I don't even really think I am afraid of failure.
I think I am most afraid of being judged.

Lately i have been thinking alot about gifts and talents and why we have them.
I am really starting to understand that they really aren't for us.
Because my relationship with God is way different now that even a few months ago...
And every time I paint something I feel like I am painting for him.
Not a client.
I feel like every time I write a blog post,
I am worshipping him.
By admitting my failures, talking about my fears...
And letting him take the stage.
It feels way better to be up there with him.

I don't have the best voice.
I don't paint the best pictures.
I don't write the best blog posts.
In fact, I still to this day don't know if anyone reads this...
But it doesn't matter.
Because its all for him.
I keep thinking about when I was pregnant with my babies
and how each week they would grow bigger and bigger in my belly.
And i think about how each week, God was putting something else into their souls..
a passion,
a gift,
a talent.
And I think about how he did that for me too.
And I think he intends for us to use them.

So if you ever meet me in real life,
please don't ask me to sing for you.
And don't try to tell me that I paint beautiful pictures
or write good blog posts,
I wont believe you.
But maybe someday,

I can feel those dim lights...

the watchful eyes...

the judging minds...

the sweaty palms...

my beating heart...

the tense muscles...

and just relax.

and feel him smile...





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1 comment:

  1. I just found you via the linky at The Wiegand's blog... thanks so much for sharing openly and honestly... I am very much like you... music speaks to my soul, and God blessed me with a voice... but I am gripped by fear and anxiety that have kept me from enjoying or sharing my gifts my entire life. But just recently I stepped out and auditioned for the praise team at our new church ... I was shaking at the audition - I even apologized and said that it had been over a decade since I've sung for anyone, but they were so welcoming!!! In just 4 months, you cannot believe how much God has changed my heart and my life through this worship & arts team... I am on stage (as background vocalist) about once a month (jsut this morning, actually!) and I am really getting used to it... instead of spending every second on stage wrapped in anxiety, I am able to focus on praising God and engaging the audience in worshiping with me... it's amazing! The other fabulous thing about our team is that we don't just pick awesome musicians and throw them up on stage... we apprentice people to give them training and confidence, and they even provide free vocal classes once or twice a month... such an amazing ministry all geared toward building us up as artists and allowing us to fulfill God's purpose for our lives and our gifts! :)

    Okay, off my little story... nice to meet you and God Bless! :)

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