Sunday, January 29, 2012
Sometimes plans change.
I'm going to be very honest in this post, because this blog is for you, and not me. I so deeply desire for you to receive the messages and lessons I have learned so they can change your life, just as they have mine. If I am speaking to you right now, believe that I have prayed for you and will keep praying that you find your way!
I never was that kid who knew what they wanted to be. I never had a desire to go to college or study anything in particular. I never said I wanted to be a ballerina or a teacher...or even a mother. But the one thing I always knew I would be is a wife. I knew that my life was going to be used to help someone else. I never wanted any sort of achievement for myself except to help my husband reach the top. I knew I would be good at that. Now don't get me wrong, I have had many passions in my life. Art, music, Broadway, singing, performing, creating, nutrition and health...and many more. But nothing has ever stood out so much that I have pursued it with all my strength.
All of my adult working life I chose to work in places that would serve ME. I so deeply needed validation in my life so I only worked in places where that would happen. I was a nutrition counselor and personal trainer at a gym and would receive lots of attention there. I also used to be a person who needed attention from men so I would work in bars and restaurants and places where I knew that I would be around them. I was a nutrition counselor at Jenny Craig for many years and found it difficult to work there some times because it was all women. This carried on until I finally quit my last job at a gym while my husband was on his first deployment to Iraq. Soon after he came home we decided to try for our first baby.
When I had Grace, I had no idea what I was doing. I had a very difficult childhood myself where I was forced to grow up very quickly. So when I had Grace I was a very good mother to her as a baby. I am a very nurturing, loving soul who pours all that I am into those I love. But then she started to grow up and she wanted to be a kid. And I don't know how to do that with her. I remember playing as a child but its not the most forward memory I have. I am good at being a wife, and all that goes along with that. I actually enjoy laundry and cooking...and making sure the house is clean for my husband when he gets home. I enjoy watching my husband succeed. I take pride in the fact that the nourishing food I make him allows him to have energy to get through his day and be successful. I enjoy being a wife.
Up until this point in our 10 years together, I have had many business ventures which I decided on my own to pursue. I am a gal who is full of ideas and lacks in follow through. I get very discouraged when an idea doesn't pan out or I fail quickly. And I am starting to feel like it is because it was all for the wrong reasons and I never consulted God first. He IS the author of all the plans ya know! So when we arrived in Texas and we were looking for a house, I decided to let God in on the decision. I didn't want us to end up somewhere we weren't supposed to be or in a house we couldn't afford. I didn't want anything that He didn't want. But I wanted to be able to stay at home and be a mother and wife but still help to fill some financial holes.I didnt want anything that would get in the way of serving my husband and his needs and also my babies needs.
I have been praying for God to change me from a woman who desired to be seen into a woman who desired to serve.
So the morning we went house hunting, we prayed. Lord lead us to where you want us to go. Give us peace when we arrive at the house you desire for us. Give us a sign of assurance and confidence that only you can give. Lead us to a house Lord where you will prosper us. And this is what we saw in the first house we went to.
My husband and I looked at each other and just giggled. Nobody but us and God would understand how awesome this was for us. And it was a very personal message for me. One, it was an obvious sign. We saw 4 houses after this but we didn't have the calm feeling we needed at them. They just didn't work. Two, it meant that I was being lead in a direction that involved children. Something I had never even thought about before. I never had a desire to watch children. But then again I never grew up having a desire to HAVE children and now we have two! Third, it meant for me that I was to build an atmosphere. I heard very clearly that day that I was to build a home that was a safe haven for people we would meet here. I was to build a place where children could come and be safe and also learn about our creator. I received a lot of love and encouragement from my friends in North Carolina. Many homes have been opened up to me and my children and I so desperately want to be that for someone here.And fourth, I felt a strong desire to return to my art. That is also something I am very excited about! My mom will be visiting soon and we are going to make an art studio in the garage and who knows what will come out of it!
So here I am. In ten years, God has completely changed my heart. And He has given me His ideas of what He wants me to be. He has changed my plans.
You have to be willing to move when God says move. You have to understand how He works. Sometimes He will lead you to a mural. And other times He will speak very softly to you over many years in order to create the person He wants you to be. He will give you tasks here and there in order to get you somewhere. He will give you a passion for art and music so you can use that to nurture the lives of others. He will give you a passion for nutrition so that you can cook and serve meals that will nourish little bodies! And big husband ones too :) It is all right there happening right now in you. You are being lead to a place where you will prosper and grow spiritually and financially. You don't need to be stuck where you are in a place where you feel lost. The only thing you need to do is consult the author of your life. Just ask. He might change your plans!