Thursday, December 22, 2011

Healing

I went to see my surgeon today. Today would be the very last day that I would see him. My incision has been opening up lately and I am just not healing as well as we all thought I would. Leaving the state where the doctor is who opened me up 8 inches is not something I am looking forward to. My disease is so unique and difficult to manage that I get scared every time we leave and I have to start all over with someone new. This was the song that was playing in the waiting room today.




LAURA'S STORY – “BLESSINGS” LYRICS

We pray for blessings, 
We pray for peace,
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep,
We pray for healing, for prosperity,
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering.
All the while, You hear each spoken need,
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things.

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, 
Your voice to hear,
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near,
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love,
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
.
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
,
But long that we’d have the faith to believe.

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us,
When darkness seems to win,
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home.

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights 
are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life,
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy.
And what if trials of this life
,
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights,
Are your mercies in disguise.


I went to the room and there we all were again. My surgery was a few months ago and I am still having issues. He walked in with his little corner of the mouth smile and said "you again?". You know when I went to have this surgery I just picked a surgery clinic, let the front desk pick the surgeon and then we he told me we could do this surgery, I said ok. I never even hesitated to check where he went to school or even if he in fact was an actual surgeon. I had been praying for this opportunity for 15 years and when all the circumstances lined up, I didn't even question anything. I knew God had arranged it all for me. I jumped right in. From the very beginning he made me feel at peace.

There was always something very different about him. I could never put my finger on it. He had this presence about him the best way to describe it is peaceful. I have found myself back into his office sometimes weekly since my surgery with an open wound I would have to pack. Sometimes I would go in and things would be looking better. And then recently it started bothering me again. So I panicked today and made one last appointment before our move.

He checked it out. The nurse too. And to my surprise they both smiled. They both said it looked great. There was a very small part of me that just wanted to throw the glass jar of huge Q tips at him. I think the biggest issue when you have a chronic issue is that nobody knows your pain. It looks great? Do you know that I haven't been able to swim with my daughter in the ocean? Or go a day without stuffing cotton packing in my pants for years...Do you even know that I have to stop exercising for months on end and sometimes I cant even get out of bed it hurts so bad? I couldn't stop crying. Sobbing actually. In his office. Pity P A R T Y.

Then it happened.

He sat down and grabbed his wrist. He was wearing a metal bracelet and took it off and told me that he has had MS for 25 years. He said, "This is what I got." He shared with me his journey though learning to manage disease and pain in this life. He reminded me of how important it is to put things into perspective. Things could always be worse. Sometimes I need a very healthy dose of perspective.

We talked a lot about prayer. He asked me to just trust God and pray for my healing all the time. Things I already knew but wow, did I need to hear it today. We had never really talked about God before but one time he did tell me that he was "just trying to get me back to the way God intended me to be." How powerful. A surgeon not taking any credit for his work, giving it all to our Father.


We talked about challenges. 

He told me to be strong and see that Gods message of hope is delivered now through me. That my suffering would not be wasted. It seemed as if God himself had a message for me today. The timing, the words, the message...all perfect.

I couldn't help but look back on the past 15 years and reflect on how much life I would have missed out on if I chose to walk this walk alone. If I never invited Jesus into my heart. I have had my moments of self pity. I have felt discouraged. I have felt alone. I have felt disgusting. But through His perfect and great love for me he has delivered me from many days of suffering. He gives me so much hope and encouragement everyday just by knowing what He has promised for me.

I will never forget my surgeon. I will never forget him sharing with me about his MS. And I will most certainly never forget him telling me that healing is for me, I just need to claim it. I can only pray that when people see me they don't see my pain but instead love and peace. I never saw his MS.

It has been through this disease, my husbands deployments, surgeries and all of life's challenges that I have had one more glimpse at heaven. One more glimpse of how much God really does love me. 

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights 
are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life,
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy.
And what if trials of this life
,
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights,
Are your mercies in disguise.
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